


Fish tank (its time to breathe)

by Idjit_01



Series: Multifandom febuwhump bc January sucked [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: "i can't take this anymore", Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Codependency, Emotional Hurt, Emotionally Unstable Dean Winchester, Episode: s15e20 Carry On, FebuWhump2021, Febuwhump, Gen, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt Sam Winchester, I Don't Even Know, Strong Sam Winchester, Whump, febuwhump day 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-13 22:47:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29161398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Idjit_01/pseuds/Idjit_01
Summary: Prompt #2: "I can't take this anymore"Sam feels like everything's changed since Jack brought everyone back and needs to find his place again (on his own).
Relationships: Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Series: Multifandom febuwhump bc January sucked [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2140680
Kudos: 6
Collections: febuwhump 2021





	Fish tank (its time to breathe)

They have barely been back hunting together a few weeks after the whole God fiasco when Sam gets sick of the new normal. The landscapes, the people, the monsters, the food, _damn, even the sun_ are the same yet feel absolutely different.

They learnt how they had been taking everything for granted when everyone disappeared for a few days, yet, now that they're back, it feels like they're fishes who have been taken out of the ocean and stuck in a purified brand new fish tank they don't know how to breathe in. And they're supposed to be thankful, because they were isolated until they got to the tank, likee they're supposed to forget how it was to live in the ocean.

"What's the sitch?" Dean chuckles from behind him. Sam shakes his head and looks back at him. He wants to smile, but honestly, Dean only makes him sad.

Dean smiles and laughs and acts like everything's fine and Sam honestly can't tell if he's numbed himself to the past or if he's just faking it to get the job done, to _take care of Sammy_ while they _save some poor bastards._

"Nothing." He answers, and forcibly tugs his lips up in a small smile. "What's the gig?"

"Uh..." Dean starts, looking into his phone. "Ah, just a possible poltergeist that's..."

Sam stops listening as they walk to the car. Everything feels dull and too much at the same time and, suddenly, he can't help but yearn for something more. For something better.

Suddenly, he's back in his seventeen-year-old body looking longingly into the future in form of his application to any and every university his dad won't let him flee to.

He hovers at the door of the passenger seat while Dean keeps rambling until Sam sees him reach towards the radio and confusedly look up to Sam.

"Dude, what the hell?" Dean asks, impatient, body tense in preparation for an attack.

"I..." Sam stammers as he tries to clear his head. "I think I'm going to stay this time."

"O-kay...?" Dean says. "We can stay, if you want. It's just a poltergeist so we can just wait until something more important comes up."

Before Dean's even finished the sentence, Sam's already shaking his head fervently. 

"No." He argues. "You stay, I go."

"I mean, it's just a poltergeist. I guess we can meet up after- why, is there something you don't want me here for?" Dean hesitates, and Sam can't ignore the hurt in Deans's- well, everything, In his voice, in his eyes, in his _closed-off posture._ Dean doesn't really stop smiling either, as if it's his only defence and the world will fall apart if he shows any kind of real emotion. It's unnerving.

"No, Dean." He ennunciates slowly, as if explaining a complex problem to a child. "I- I need some time."

Finally Dean stops smiling and Sam can't help but feel guilty, because even though it's what he wanted he's hurting Dean all over again.

He's pretty sure Dean's just going to nod stiffly and drive away when he carelessly throws the driver's door open and stomps out of the car.

"What the hell?" Dean bellows. "After everything... After everything we've lost, after everything _I've done for you._ "

And for a moment Sam has to blink really fast because Dean and Dad are suddenly the same person and he feels like he's suffocating, because _he can't go through this all over again._

"Dean..." He whispers pitifully. "I'm sorry."

And Dean recoils like Sam just punched him for fun. Dean recoils like he's also facing Dad and he's all alone again but he has no one to go to this time.

But before he can even regret anything, Dean uncharacteristically falls forward and pleads to him. "Sam, please. _You are the only thing I have left._ Please, don't leave me. _I can't lose you too._ " He cries.

Sam, stunned, barely moves. He considers for a moment going with Dean, keep going in their plastic-fake life. But then he notices how codependent they've become of each other and for everything he's learnt, he can't foce himself to live so _unhealthily_. He needs to learns to be himself again. He can't keep suffocating on _unwavering mutual need and worry and fear._ He needs for Dean to let him learn to breathe on his won again, without the extra weight of their shared misery on his shoulders.

So he steps back. "Dean, I-I really am sorry. But, Dean. Don't you see?" He sniffs as he finally chokes out the truth. " ** _I can't take this anymore._** "

Dean looks up, vulnerable, thousands of emotions running through his face. "I can't live like this. I-I'm sorry, but I need to take care of _me._ "

After he sputters the last word, Dean's face closes off and he clenches his jaw. His eyes turn to ice and the resemblance with when he was bearing the Mark of Cain makes Sam flinch back.

So Dean turns around and starts beating Baby down and starts bleeding through cuts and self-inflicted bruises, but he doesn't make a sound through it. 

After an undetermined amount of time Sam closes his eyes and takes a few deep, shuddering, breaths.

He turns around, only opening his eyes once Dean's not on his field of vision anymore.

He starts counting and he doesn't know if he's doing it out loud but Dean's grunting by now and Baby being beaten and broken still echoes inside his skull and he needs to cancel the sound while he walks away for good.

So he counts. And breathes. And he leaves.

**Author's Note:**

> I have never published from a computer before, but I hope it's okay. I don't know if the format or the spaces are okay. I can't check it out because my phone broke so I haven't had one for a few days. I don't even know if it's not out of character as I haven't written SPN for a month (If anyone knows my WIP _Famished_ I'll get to it, I swear. It's not abandoned), but I did my best.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it and thanks for reading.
> 
> Take care~


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